With high divorce rates and today’s mounting pressures, how can couples keep their own marriage functional and happy? How have couples happily married for 25, 30, and even 50 years, accomplished that feat? What are some of the secrets of their success? Though these ten tips for a happier marriage will not cover every difficult situation, they can help to foster healthier relationships and support couples through rough times.
1) Give of yourself.
In the “Me” and “I” times we now live in, it can be easy to forget that a marriage is about a partnership. As such, it is 50% for each individual in a relationship. If one partner spends 50% of their time considering the well-being of the other, the mutual appreciation of the couple will soar. The old adage, “It is better to give than to receive” actually turns out to have great merit both in healthy relationships and one’s own emotional happiness.
2) Laugh.
Laughter keeps people healthy. Not only is it great for dispelling anger and aiding in emotional healing, but it has also actually been shown to improve physical well-being. Learn to laugh with your partner. Think back to a moment when you heard a child laughing spontaneously at something totally silly. Remember how good it felt to hear that laughter and how it brought your own laughter to the surface. This is just as true when partners hear their spouses expressing such spontaneous joy.
3) Lighten up.
We don’t need to take ourselves so seriously. When we get completely wrapped up in our own problems or passions, we tend to lose perspective. Try to step outside yourself for a moment. Ask yourself if someone else voiced those thoughts, had those feelings, or behaved that way–what would you really think? Would you think they were a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum? Would you ask them if they needed a sedative? Would you avoid them until they behaved rationally? Would you laugh? Would you agree?
4) Pamper yourself.
We all need our downtime. Privacy and quiet times are important for every individual. Too often, married couples, forget that they need this private recoup period and so does their partner. Make time to read that latest novel, take that walk, go see that movie, or put the headphones on and listen to a favorite album. Each partner should give their other half some special, private time to do as they wish.
5) Learn to listen.
Listening involves more than simply being quiet while someone else is talking. It is actually an active process, not a passive one. Listening not only means hearing what the other individual is saying, but it is doing so without trying to think of your response statement at the same time. There is no multi-tasking in active listening. Active listening prevents many problem situations because you will begin to know more about your partner than you believed possible and true communication will become more honest and fulfilling. In time, you will not only learn what they are saying but what it is they are not saying. Only active listening brings this skill into a marriage.
6) Share the work.
In most relationships today, both partners are busy, involved, and active. The old job duties assigned in the past may not make sense to today’s couples. Couples need to become aware of each other’s skills and assets and divide chores and responsibilities accordingly. Problems start to occur when one individual feels they’re pulling the entire load without relief. It may sound like something everyone would know, but there are numerous couples who state they are being taken advantage of, they pull all the workload around the house and they just wish their spouse would insert your chore of choice here.
There are exceptions to separating activities: children and past-times both couples may enjoy. With children, there are a growing number of stay-at-home Dads, just as in the past it was almost exclusively stay-at-home Moms; yet, children need equal love, guidance, and care from both parents. This is sharing the work but it becomes a mutual job, rewarding for both partners and their children. The same goes for activities you both enjoy. Is there a sport or hobby which both of you love? Enjoy doing this together. This give and take between together time and separate activities provides a sense of balance in a relationship.
7) Loyalty counts.
Sometimes we all need to bite our tongues. Keep sarcastic jokes inside your head, off your tongue, and disagreements with your partner between the two of you. This is not the same as blind loyalty. This technique involves simple, polite, respectful partnering. In the corporate world, when one company merges with another, they do not spend their productive time tearing the other company down. They recognize what each company brings to the table and appreciates it for the benefit it is. In time, even in the best relationships, cutting remarks meant as jokes or put forth as teasing, often grow to have a ring of truth. We don’t need to go there.
A successful marriage partnership carries that mutual respect outside their private circle. They don’t put their children in the middle of their problems or expect them to be marriage counselors. They don’t have their co-workers learn to dislike the partner before they even meet the spouse at a company party. They don’t spread embarrassing details about their partner that should have been left unsaid. If you have a burning desire to impart embarrassing moments, tell people about your own. We all have enough of them to share.
8) Pick your battles.
Some things really aren’t worth fighting over. We have all had bad days, idiotic moments, mental fatigue, and diarrhea of the mouth. Allow your partner the same consideration as you hope others will give you. Sure there will be some days when a partner is less than considerate, even bordering on being a jerk…but is it a constant thing? Is it a pattern that needs dealing with? Or is this irritating lapse of behavior an unusual occurrence that may signal they need a hug more than a lecture?
9) Friends of friends are good things.
Marriage should not stifle or suppress individuals. Instead, a good relationship actually helps an individual to become a better person, both to themselves and the people they come into contact with. Allow your partner to have some time with their friends. Friendship is important. You don’t have to hang out with their friends or even like them, but being polite, accepting, and welcoming to your partner’s friends goes a long way. They don’t have to be your friends; they are your partner’s friends. The best marriages look at their partner as their best friend in life.
10) Look for things you love.
Unconditional love is never blind. It is the certain knowledge that your partner brings more good to the world than they detract from it. If each partner spends a single moment of each day recognizing something good they see in their partner, no matter how small it may appear, these single moments can lead to a lifetime of appreciation. Look for these special traits in your partner and your appreciation of their place in your own life will expand exponentially. When this happens, the first tip presented in this list will become a no-brainer.
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